Ever had one of those days where you're trying to come up with an idea for something an you just can't think of one? Well, welcome to my week. I've been wracking my brain for a great idea. Any idea, really. What have I come up with? NOTHING.
It's like I'm fresh out of ideas. This has never happened to me before... At least not that I can remember. I'm usually bursting with ideas. Most of them are stupid, but they're there for goodness sake! I can't even manage a bubble of an idea this week.
I'm really starting to stress about it. I have a friggin migraine in the middle of my forehead.
Does anyone out there have a brilliant idea. Any idea!
I've always had a passion for writing. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, imagination to reality is what brings me joy. I dream in words and punctuation.
I live in stories. I thrive on tales of adventure and danger. I bask in my wondrous ideas, bright and clean like fresh grass dappled in sunlight. I dream my stories with my eyes wide open.
I've always had this fantasy, one that I still refuse to let go of, of writing a book. Not to get famous, or be noticed, but to share my joy with the world. I want to fill other heads with the strange and wondrous things I have created over the years. I want little girls to hear what I have to say, open their imaginations to limitless possibilities, and teach them to dream in vibrant color - even while they're awake.
Anyone can dream. Anyone can write. Anyone can create something. Anyone can be great.
It just takes a spark of an idea, one little spark, to cause a wave of fire.
I want my fire. I want to bask in it, burn in it, let it consume me. I want to catch flame and spread it across the country, the world, the universe. I want to inspire.
I had a conversation with my mother this morning that is making me wonder about the place I am currently in. Last night, a friend of mine put up a post on facebook telling all of her friends that her mother said she wished she had never had her. Now I know we all say things we don't mean, but that is a little harsh. Don't you agree?
My mother justified her mother's statement by saying "At 20 and 21 we thought you would be out in the world without us, but you all are still here and we're still having to support you. You all are not productive and you're not helping us out either. You all aren't doing anything."
I can't say how helpful my friend is at home, but the girl works a full time job and is trying to get herself back in school. I would call that doing something. I would call that doing a lot, seeing as how she works Mon. - Sun. on a regular basis. I'm surprised she isn't working herself to an early grave.
I, on the other hand, do not have a full time job. I was there. I tried it. It didn't work out. Oh, well. I've moved on.
I'm trying to start my own business. I'm trying to pull in clients. I'm trying to make something for myself that is MINE. Isn't that productive?
If not, then let me add this. I cook every single meal in this house. It may be just my mother and myself, but it's a whole lot to cook for two when one of the people who eats here is super picky. If cooking doesn't count as being productive then maybe all of the science projects I've done, cupcakes I've baked, and papers I've helped grade/write for my "in the process of student teaching" mother should count. Just because she's my mother I don't have to do those things. I choose to.
I could easily tell her that I'm not helping find or cut out shadow puppets. I don't want to make the twister in a jar. I'm not baking cupcakes for the bake sale. I'm not going to give up my prized magazines, with all of the recipes I've been saving, for your school children to cut up and feed to a giant goat (something else I had to find/ help cut out) as a part of your nutrition section. I don't have to do these things.
And do you think I hear a thank you? Sure, after I mention she forgot to say it. "You're appreciated.", she says. How can I feel appreciated when you're bombing my "productivity"? I can't. So, I'd thank her much to keep her mouth shut or trade positions with me.
I firmly believe two things. 1.) No one can ever make you feel bad without your expressly given permission and 2.) You should always look at both sides of a situation. Parents sometimes need to focus on the latter a little more.
I've always been told to just tell the truth. "It will set you free!", they say. I'm not so sure about that though. I've always been better at lying. It seems so much easier.
Why is that?
Let your theatrical nature out to play today, Sag. There's no sense in hiding your light under a bushel or pretending you're more of a shy girl than a wild child. By showing more of your true nature you're bound to attract more compatible friends and love interests into your sphere. An opportunity to preform in front of people could light up your day. Happy Hour karaoke party, anyone?
I know it's about noon, but I'm just now crawling out of bed. It's not that I'm lazy, though my mother would say differently, but she's been waking me up at the buttcrack of dawn for the last couple of months now. I can only have so many 6am wake up calls after finally dropping off to bed at 4:30am. I love my mom, really I do, but this is starting to tick me off.
She's been in the process of doing her student teaching, which I am so proud of her for, so she's been going off to school every morning to "hang out" with a classroom full of 2nd graders. I thought her student teaching would be an amazing opportunity and fun for her , but it's working me to death. Every morning the same routine...
She gets up waaaaaay too early for my taste and then, because there are just some things you can't do with nails the length of hers, I get woken up. Now, when I was in school, I learned to ignore the constant yelling of my name... turns out I can't do that anymore. She stands outside my door and yells my name over and over and over again until I answer. Some mornings its "I need you to button my shirt", but this morning it wasn't that.
This morning I had to take out the trash, make my mother's lunch, get some of her clothes out of the laundry, button her shirt, make sure the science project she's doing for her second graders (that really I had to put together) was ready to go, and after all of this she left the house without so much as a thanks. I really starting to think this is going to kill me and that maybe I'm not cut out to be the mother of a child if my mother is driving me crazy like this. I can't wait til her student teaching is over.
Three more days and counting!
Is it horrible? Probably.
I honestly can't help it though. I actually try to avoid him now. There are a number of reasons to avoid someone and, in this case, they're all probably wrong.
In the course of our relationship, long distance for those who didn't know, we've spent dozens upon dozens of nights talking to each other. It started with our house phones (running up our parents' phone bill), moved to our cell phones (a whole lot of texting done there), and by the brilliance of skype finally ended at our computers. We've been through good times together, bad times together, even suffered through high school together. He knows me better than anyone. I love him insanely, passionately - entirely.
Now, being that we're apart from each other, our "extracurricular" activities differ from a normal couple. This is not something that bothered me. I've always been very talkative - no matter what the subject. Lately, though, that is not the case.
It seems that, as our relationship progressed, my voice has diminished. I can't say the things that are on my mind like I used to. This happens all the time, not just in "personal" matters, and I find myself not knowing what to do.
The obvious answer is to speak to him, but therein lies the problem. Whenever I try to bring myself to speak about things my throat closes up. I can't get the words out. I can't say what I want to say.
So, here I find myself. I'm avoiding him and his questions. I'm practically voiceless. I've got no idea what to do or how to handle my situation. I'm basically stuck.
Anyone out there happen to see where my voice ran off to?
There's a thin line between love and lust today, so be cautious about making any long-term commitments. What seems like a "must have" in the moment could lose ts shine quickly if it's too expensive or high-maintenance to keep up with. Know thyself, Sag: You don't have the patience to fuss with anything after the firs blush of excitement wears off.
Most days I feel like this flower. Like I started with all
the potential in the world and suddenly I've lost my head and the potential in me is dying. I'm a dead little flower in a big brilliant garden. And from where my head is on the ground I can't see any other struggling flowers, so I swear that I'm the only one.
And then... Maybe I'm not a flower at all. Maybe I'm just a dandelion playing pretend.